The Soul Patch - by epidemczyk

Like many of my revelations are conceived, I was sitting in a Chicago coffee shop, marveling at my own splendor.  Specifically, I was thumbing through all my great qualities and trying to figure out which was my favorite.  Simultaneously, as I was reaching my conclusion, I happened to lay eyes on what could very well of been the most disturbing object I’ve ever seen; the “soul patch.”

I’m not sure what makes me angrier, the fact that they exist, or the fact that their allowed to exist.  Let’s run a check list on both

Factors that cause them to Exist:

ü  The ability to grow facial hair

ü  The ability to shave systematic patches of hair from your face

ü  The desire to shave systematic patches of hair from your face

ü  The desire to shave systematic patches of hair from your face, with exception of a 2x2 box of hair placed perfectly square on your chin

Reasons why their allowed to Exist:

ü God hates us

ü God hates me specifically

ü God doesn’t exist

ü Chad Kroeger 

But who cares? None of the above matters. The important thing, is that you know what to do if your confronted with a soul patch in real life.  I've devised a little chart to help.

In conclusion. Sometimes things in life get hard. Sometimes, you see things that you just don't like. Take the comfort in the fact that you can always:

1) Run away from your problems
2) Drink Ammonia based household products
3) Poke fun at people that have gone through emotional hardships

A Quick Thought -by epidemczyk

So like, I was getting all high one night and all of the sudden, I thought of....

A Journey To Minimalism - by epidemczyk

In moving to Chicago and placed in a situation where I live by myself, it seems my natural tendency has directed me down the path of minimalism.  In this transition, I’ve learned that there are MANY unneeded items in the household.  Quite frankly, 90% of household items are useless and not cost effective. In fact, using just a couple of the most common household tools, you can pretty much do anything.   With that said, let’s make some soup, shall we?

As a side note, (completely unrelated) Willy Nelson was arrested for Marijuana possession. (Which by the way, is a HUGE relief for me. That fuck has been trying to kill me for years) 

Mmmm, bet you’re getting hungry. Let’s make some soup!




“Start with your favorite can of soup.  I personally recommend the ez open cans.  The tab proves to be an excellent target for the hammer. While immersed in the soup selection process, I’ve found listening to Broadway show tunes helps sharpen my senses. Actually; you should be listening Broadway show tunes during the entire lesson.. And before…. and after... Dude, just listen to show tunes, ok?

“Bash the soup can in with the hammer.  I would recommend taking a running start and using every ounce of strength in your body.  (Take time to realize, that this is the coolest thing you’ve ever done in your life. You’ve peaked. There’s nothing cooler you could ever do)

“After you’ve digested the fact that you’ve peaked in life, use the frying pan to heat the soup to your desired temperature.  Yep, it’s that easy. Congratulations sir/madam of anonymous ethnicities, your moments away from consuming Merica’s favorite meal”

BUT WAIT JUST A SEC! WHAT ABOUT UTENSILS??

=

Well then. Now that you’ve had your soup. I think it’s time to treat yourself to a frosty beverage.  Go ahead, you’ve been exercising, you deserve it.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!!

Wait, this sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  You bet your bottom dollar it does.  So how much am I saving here??

As you can see, my minimalist mentality in this ONE scenario has saved me 160 dollars. Can you even imagine how much I’m saving on a weekly basis?  When you have a hammer and a frying pan at your disposal, what can’t you do?  Below I’ve left some final fruit for thought.